I Think my Partner is a Narcissist
Navigating the Intricacies of Relationships with Different Types of Narcissists
In the age of social media, discussions about narcissism are frequent, but it can be challenging to sort fact from fiction.
There are countless stories and testimonials about dating narcissists, being the children of narcissists, or being friends with a narcissist, among a host of other topics. It seems as though everyone either is a narcissist or knows one these days. But what really is narcissism? Is it just being selfish? Not exactly (Taibbi, 2015).
Narcissism is a complex personality trait that forms part of an even more complex personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder; NPD). While selfishness is certainly a component of narcissism, it is not the same sort of selfishness that we encounter in people every day (you know the ones – they try to get in front of you in line or refuse to move their backpack from the seat beside them on a crowded bus). Selfishness is an evolutionarily advantageous characteristic that developed in humans for a reason. To some degree, we all need to put ourselves first now and again to ensure we aren't taken advantage of and that our boundaries are respected. The selfishness of a narcissist isn't driven by a need to protect themselves, but rather by the belief that people with NPD tend to have: that there is something inherently special or extraordinary about them that needs to be acknowledged by the masses. This fundamental self-centeredness is often accompanied by an inability to empathize or think of others' emotions, an intense desire to be the center of attention, or the most important person in the room, and extreme arrogance (Day et al., 2020).
However, in contrast to the above description of a narcissist, there exists another side of narcissism that may be more difficult to identify in someone you are close to. This is called vulnerable narcissism. These individuals still have the same sense of self-importance and personal greatness as the above-mentioned narcissist does (termed a grandiose narcissist), but this can be masked by an identification with victimhood, insecurity, and emotional instability (Day et al., 2020). Whereas grandiose narcissists initially come across as the life of the party and tend to be quite charming, vulnerable narcissists are more subdued in their interactions with others. The grandiose narcissist "knows" they are the best (and needs everyone else to know it too), but the vulnerable narcissist depends on others to reassure them that they are the best. When they don't get this reassurance, the fallout can be catastrophic.
Some ways to know if you’re with a narcissist
In studies seeking to understand how narcissists act in relationships, psychologists have described the phenomenon of narcissistic rage (Levy, K. N., 2012). This concept refers to the tendency for narcissists to engage in extreme reactive anger in response to a perceived blow to their egos. While narcissistic rage has been documented in grandiose narcissists, research indicates that vulnerable narcissists are especially prone to this behavior. Because their inflated sense of self is so fragile, they may be more prone to the shame that is believed to underlie this kind of rage and are more sensitive to insults to their exceptionalism. Grandiose narcissists may fly into rages when they believe their authority has been challenged as a way to reassert that authority. However, for vulnerable narcissists, it is instead an almost automatic desire to hurt the person who threatened their sense of self.
If you have found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, all this may sound familiar to you. Even after recognizing their destructive self-centeredness and unwillingness to consider your needs in the relationship, it can be difficult to leave. Narcissists tend to be outwardly charming, at least initially, and it can be hard to extricate yourself from that. Their confidence and assuredness can be intoxicating, and you may feel as if you are basking in their glow. Alternatively, if you identify your partner more with the traits of a vulnerable narcissist, the feeling that they are relying on you may be challenging to break away from. It can be scary to want to leave someone who appears so unstable on their own (Firestone, 2022). However, there comes a time when you must put yourself first. If your partner continually shows you that they don't care about your boundaries or your emotions or frightens you when they fly into rages at the smallest perceived slights, it may be time to break away from this relationship.
Is it inevitable that I would need to break up with my narcissistic partner?
With that said, while it is usually in your best interest to break up with a narcissistic partner, treatments are available for individuals with NPD (Mayo Clinic, 2023). If you are in no danger and want the relationship to work, you could recommend them to a therapist who specializes in personality disorders to help them improve their ability to empathize and consider the needs of others. However, there is no proven cure for NPD, and the most important thing to remember is that your well-being comes before your relationship.
If you think you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, the safest thing for your emotional, psychological, and physical health would be to leave. To help with this transition, we recommend seeking personal therapy where you can discuss your relationship with a safe and trusted professional. All breakups are difficult, but leaving a narcissist can be especially hard. Seeking support from one of the Dot's trained therapists can help you process your feelings and become comfortable with the decision you make. Just because you may be choosing to leave your narcissistic partner doesn't mean you have to go through that process alone.
SOURCES
Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8
Firestone, L. (2022, January 19). Why is it so hard to leave a narcissist? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/compassion-matters/202201/why-is-it-so-hard-leave-narcissist
Levy K. N. (2012). Subtypes, dimensions, and mental states in narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 68(8). 886-897. DOI: 10.1002/jclp.21893.
Mayo Clinic. (2023, April 6). Narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnosis and treatment. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality- disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690.
Taibbi, R. (2015, September 23). Narcissist or just self centered: 4 ways to tell. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fixing-families/201509/narcissist-or-just-self-centered-4-ways-tell.