How to manage your anger in a mad, mad world
People are scared, tired, frustrated and feeling hopeless. And not surprisingly, all of these emotions fuel anger. Here's how you can learn to cope with all the madness of this modern world without losing yourself to anger along the way.
It's hard not to notice how angry 'everyone' is.
It’s been just over two years since the start of a global pandemic when the world we knew changed forever. We've been running a marathon of hope that things will "get back to normal" but instead of reaching the finish line, this "race" never seems to end. A seemingly endless amount of new hurdles to overcome seem to be happening on a weekly basis…rising tensions and confusion about loosening restrictions, inflated prices, the cost of gas, millions suffering in an unjust war…
Is it any wonder we’re losing our cool?
Anger is a basic human emotion that is tied to our basic survival - the “fight, flight or freeze” response of our sympathetic nervous system - that prepares us to fight. Everyone knows the feeling… the rage that rises when someone steals your parking spot or cuts in front of you in a line. Anger is a common response to frustrating or threatening experiences. It can also be a secondary response to sadness, loneliness, or fear. In some cases, the emotion may seem to arise from nowhere.
Feeling angry is normal. It is a natural, healthy emotion. However, how you respond to and act on those angry feelings can be harmful to yourself and others. When negative emotions arise out of proportion to what ‘triggered’ your anger, it can impede your decision-making and damage relationships. When occasional outbursts of anger lead to explosions of rage that boil over into hostility and aggression, these behaviors cause harm and impact your life.
Learning how to control your anger can limit the emotional damage. The best path forward is to try and understand your anger—its roots, its triggers, its consequences—so you can cultivate the ability to manage it. There are tools, techniques and therapeutic options available that can help you (or someone you know) come to terms with anger triggers and respond in healthier ways.
Let’s start with the basics…
What causes anger?
Anger can be way more complicated than you think because emotions are more complex than you know.
Anger is often a secondary emotion and people are rarely angry for no reason. Often distress is misidentified as anger because most often, hiding behind the anger is fear. Other times it could be:
pain, insecurity, loneliness, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, jealousy, resentment, shame, hopelessness, exhaustion, uncertainty, frustration, panic, confusion, helplessness, overwhelm…
Most often, anger is a combination of emotions and can be expressed in a variety of both healthy and unhealthy ways. You’ll often hear of people ‘channeling their anger’ into their work or ‘using their anger’ to reach a goal. However, unleashing anger doesn’t always produce the sense of catharsis people crave—it tends to feed on itself instead — especially if you don’t understand what lies behind that anger. When anger grows out of proportion or out of control, it can become destructive and undermine your quality of life, leading to serious problems at work and in personal relationships.
Why do some people get more angry than others?
They might just be born that way…
“According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does.” Generally, these people have what some psychologists refer to as ‘a low tolerance for frustration’, simply meaning that they don’t cope well with inconvenience or annoyance. They find it difficult to take things in stride, and are infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust.
There are also those who don't show their anger in loud ways but are chronically irritable. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
So, what makes some people lose their top while others can keep their cool? A number of things. There is evidence that some children are simply born irritable and their tendency to easily anger presents from an early age. Other research has found that family background also plays a role as people who are easily angered typically come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. Combined with our sociocultural views that expressing anger is not a positive trait, many of us don’t learn how to handle our anger or channel it constructively.
Isn’t it good to ‘release’ your anger?
We can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us.
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural response to threats which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked and a certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how we demonstrate that anger.
When we’re angry we use both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with our angry feelings:
Expressing
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger.
Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding - it means being respectful of yourself and others.
To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Suppressing
Unexpressed anger can lead to bigger problems.
It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile.
People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger.
Redirection
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected.
This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior.
The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Calming
When you develop strategies to keep yourself calm.
This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
This can include simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery along with non-strenuous yoga-like exercises or mediation.
TO DEAL WITH ANGER, YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO STOP AND DEAL WITH IT.
What are the health risks of uncontrolled anger?
Recurrent, unmanaged anger can result in a constant flood of stress hormones, which negatively impacts health.
When a person is angry, the body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. As a result, your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate increase.
Anger that is regular and extreme can, for example, contribute to:
backaches
headaches
hypertension, or high blood pressure
insomnia
irritable bowel syndrome or other digestive disorders
skin disorders
a stroke
a heart attack
a reduced pain threshold
a weakened immune system, which can result in more infections, colds, and the flu
Emotional and mental consequences of frequent, uncontrolled anger include:
depression and moodiness
eating disorders
alcohol or drug abuse
self-harm and suicidal ideation
low self-esteem
What are signs that a person may need professional help with their anger?
When anger grows out of proportion or out of control, it can become destructive and undermine a person’s quality of life.
Some signs that a person may need professional or medical help include:
being in trouble with the law
frequently feeling that they have to hold in their anger
regularly having intense arguments with family, friends, or colleagues
getting involved in fights or physical confrontations
physically assaulting a partner or child
threatening violence to people or property
breaking objects during an outburst
losing their temper when driving and becoming reckless
Anger issues rarely exist in isolation. They can derive from a range of other mental health issues, including:
alcohol or drug dependence
bipolar disorder
schizotypal personality disorders
psychotic disorder
borderline personality disorder
How can I manage my anger?
Coping with anger is an acquired skill — but where anyone can learn to control their feelings with time, patience, and dedication.
Managing your anger does not involve “holding it in” or “avoiding” your feelings. It’s about identifying your anger at an early stage and learning to express your needs while remaining calm and in control by:
Recognizing the early signs of anger.
Giving yourself time and space to process the triggers.
Applying techniques that can help you control the anger.
1.Recognizing the early signs of anger:
Anger causes a physical reaction in the body. It releases adrenaline, the “fight-or-flight” hormone that prepares a person for conflict or danger.
These physical effects signal a response to a situation and can have the following effects:
a rapid heartbeat
faster breathing
tension throughout the body
restlessness, pacing, and tapping of the feet
clenched fists and jaw
sweating and trembling
As a person moves from mild irritation to rage, they may experience:
a desire to exit the situation
irritation
sadness or depression
guilt
resentment
anxiety
a desire to lash out verbally or physically
The following physical indications can also occur:
rubbing the face with the hand
fidgeting, or clasping one hand with the other
pacing around
becoming cynical, sarcastic, rude, or abrasive
losing their sense of humor
craving substances that the person thinks will instill a sense of calm, such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs
raising vocal volume or pitch
screaming or crying
an upset stomach
an elevated heart rate
sweating
rapid, shallow breathing
hot flashes in the face or neck
trembling hands, lips, or jaws
dizziness
tingling in the back of the neck
2.Give yourself time and space to process the triggers:
Track down the clues about the kinds of things, situation, people and events that trigger your anger. Anger often masks our deepest fears. In an angry-making situation, ask yourself what deep fears it might be stirring in you.
What is a trigger?
A trigger is a stimulus - such as a person, place, situation, or thing - that contributes to an unwanted emotional or behavioural response.
Anger triggers can best be defined as anything that initiates angry emotions within a person. By identifying the things that “push your buttons”, you are able to gain an understanding of why you feel the way you do. This is the first step in learning to harness angry emotions and turn them into positive ones.
Just as every is different, so are the triggers that initiate angry feelings. Our life experiences have the greatest impact in how anger triggers choose to surface. For instance, if you were made fun of for your weight as a young child, you may react angrily to comments about weight as an adult.
Here are few common anger triggers:
Disrespect of personal space
Receiving insults
Receiving threats
Being lied to
Being corrected
Being accused of something that is untrue
Being talked over or interrupted
Being ignored
Want to explore what triggers you?
Grab your self a paper and pen and a cup of your fav beverage and answer the questions below…
The Problem:
Describe the problem your triggers are contributing to. What’s the worse-case scenario, if you are exposed to your triggers?
Trigger Categories:
Just about anything can be a trigger. To begin exploring your own triggers, think about each of the categories listed below. Is there a specific emotion that acts as a trigger for you? How about a person or place? List your responses in each category.
Emotional State
People
Places
Things
Thoughts
Activities / Situations
Identifying your Biggest Triggers:
Describe you three biggest triggers, in detail.
3.Apply techniques that can help you control the anger:
Studies show that the ability to identify and label emotions correctly, and talk about them straightforwardly to the point of feeling understood, makes negative feelings dissipate.
Strategies to Cope With Anger*
*According to Psychology Today, and The American Psychological Association, here are some ways to cope when those angry feelings start to erupt:
Learn how to relax and remember to breathe:
When you are angry, your body becomes tense. Breathing deeply will ease the tension and help lower your internal anger meter. There are many books, courses, and apps that can teach you various breathing and relaxation techniques. Once you learn them, practice these techniques daily so you can learn to use them automatically when you are in a tense or triggering situation. Here are some simple ones to try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Change your environment:
Sometimes it's our surroundings that cause us irritation and fury… crowded commutes, noisy co-workers, long lines at the checkout. The quickest way to lessen your frustration is to remove yourself from your source of anger. Take a five-minute walk to get some fresh air. Stuck in traffic? Take a mental escape by turning up the radio and singing at the top of your lungs.
And, give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is making a standing rule that when you come home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to you unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, you can feel better prepared to handle demands from your partner or kids without blowing up at them.
Let go of what is beyond your control:
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. However there are many times when our source of anger comes from things that are beyond our control. Combined with a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, it can add to your frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. You can change only yourself and your responses to others, not what others do to you. Getting angry doesn't fix the situation and makes you feel worse. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Express yourself with better communication:
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Be sure to think first and use measured tones and words that are not emotionally loaded. In a nonconfrontational way state that you are angry and identify the situation that makes you angry and why it ticks you off. Be assertive, not aggressive, in expressing yourself. Assertiveness requires speaking in an effective, nonviolent way towards a constructive goal. It may help if you rehearse your response before delivering it. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words. It may take a lot of patient questioning, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control.
Change the way you speak to yourself with positive statements:
Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "well this is frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing a rough spot of daily life.
Memorize a few positive statements to say to yourself when your anger is triggered. They will remind you that you can choose your behavior instead of reacting in a knee-jerk way. For example, you might say: "I can take care of my own needs" or "their needs are just as important as mine" or "I am able to make good choices."
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective.take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
How do I know if I need counselling for my anger?
Sometimes, however, a person needs to control anger on its own terms. However, it is important to note that when anger is negatively affecting a relationship or the quality of your life - and especially if it is leading to violent or otherwise dangerous behavior - consulting a mental health professional is key. For others, you may simply want some assistance to resolve the problems underneath your anger or find better ways of handling conflict. In these cases, anger management counselling or therapy may be the right choice for you. The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
In anger management counselling, you learn to:
identify triggers
respond constructively, either in the early stages of anger or beforehand
handle the triggers
adjust irrational and extreme thought processes
return to a calm, peaceful state
express feelings and needs assertively but calmly in situations that tend to cause anger and frustration
redirect energy and resources into problem-solving
A therapist or counselor can guide you through the following questions:
How do I know when I am angry?
What types of people, situations, events, places, and other triggers make me angry?
How do I respond when I am angry? What do I do?
What impact does my angry reaction have on other people?
Anger can also be a sign of something else, such as depression or anxiety, or trauma. It’s important to take these signs seriously. Some roots of anger are very complex and deeply embedded; they can take time and professional advice to figure out and resolve. Anger management is also a therapeutic opportunity to deal with conflict resolution, by examining different responses to conflict and conflict resolution styles.
WHEN YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT’S HAPPENING, CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO CONTROL THE WAY YOU RESPOND TO WHAT’S HAPPENING. THAT’S WHERE YOUR POWER IS.
What’s your anger style?
Anger often emerges while confronting others about specific problems, situations, or grievances. Humans and other animals often express anger by making loud sounds, baring their teeth, staring, or adopting postures intended to warn perceived aggressors. All of these are efforts to stop or push back against threatening behaviors. However, not all people deal with anger and conflict in the same way.
Here are 5 common types of anger expression. See if you can identify the ways you most commonly choose to react in anger…
Passive:
A passive person tends to avoid conflict and confrontation. These people tend to not express their feelings, and have trouble saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
Behaviour will look like: Avoidance of the problem, feeling fearful or uncomfortable.
Aggressive:
This anger style often feels the need to be in control of themselves, others, and the situation. They often manipulate others until the other person feels guilt or backs down.
Behaviour will look like: The use of threats, abuse and humiliation.
Projective Aggressive:
A projective-aggressive person often appears passive, however they are usually angry and are afraid to own and express the anger. Instead, they project that anger onto someone else.
Behaviour will look like: Gets others to act on their anger for them.
Passive Aggressive:
A passive aggressive person uses subtle aggression techniques to manipulate the situation or person. They use cues such as body language, tone, or actions to convey anger, but won’t explicitly communicate it.
Behaviour will look like: The silent treatment and withdrawing love and affection.
Assertive:
An assertive person states their needs in an open and direct way, and doesn’t wait for someone to ready their mind. At the same time, they try to consider other people’s feelings and opinions too.
Behaviour will look like: States what is on their mind and takes responsibility over life and choices.
Don’t wait until your anger gets the best of you
We all have emotional ups and downs - ‘rough patches’ as we usually call them - life changes, events or situations that put stress and strain on our lives and make us angry. These are normal daily life challenges. In most cases, with work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt - you can usually figure things out.
But what happens if these ‘rough patches’ turn into rough weeks, months or even years? What happens if you can’t work through or get past the stress and emotions that are fueling your anger?
Anger management therapy provides a person in treatment a controlled platform for the release of their emotions. You will be encouraged to examine what triggers you anger and to become aware of the emotions that are aroused. You will also learn how to use these signs as a way to map to control you anger. The ultimate aim is to achieve constructive responses, rather than destructive ones.
We’re here if you need help
Therapy is a valuable tool that can help you to solve problems, set and achieve goals, or teach you new ways to track your emotions and keep your anger in check. It can help you to build the life, career, and relationship that you want. Does everybody need it? No. But if you are curious about working with a therapist, that curiosity is worth pursuing.
We know it takes a great amount of courage to examine your life and to decide that there are things you would like to change. And, it takes more courage to do something about it. We can help. We offer free consultations for anyone in Ontario considering individual or couples counselling, online at The Dot. We will go through any of your questions and concerns to help you decide whether online counselling is the right choice for you.
SOURCES
Psychology Today The Downside of Anger
Psychology Today Coping with Anger: Does Venting Really Help?
American Psychological Association Anger
Mayo Clinic Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper
Canadian Mental Health Association Understanding Anger and Anger Management